Those Words given by A Dad Which Saved Me as a New Dad

"I believe I was just just surviving for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth rapidly became "very different" to his expectations.

Serious health problems during the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver while also taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After 11 months he burnt out. It was a chat with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You're not in a healthy space. You need some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on mums and about PND, less is said about the struggles fathers go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a wider reluctance to open up between men, who still absorb damaging ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a display of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a respite - going on a couple of days away, away from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states as well as the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have reliable male guidance. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he says. "They can short-term modify how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, tell a family member, your partner or a therapist about your state of mind. This can to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is doing.
• Connect with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead provide the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their struggles, changed how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I think my purpose is to guide and direct you how to behave, but actually, it's a dialogue. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."