Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
